A kingpin. A doctor. A castaway. A miser. A spot-fixer. A thief. A gourmand. A scribe. A captain. All lost. All adrift. All Üm Louts. The ex-players of The Üm Louts, the finest five-a-side football team ever to grace the sandy Elms pitches in East London, have been flung to the four corners of the Earth. They each seek satisfaction in other walks of life away from the football field, but all they find is frustration and rage. But one by one they receive a calling that resounds deeply in their hearts and forces them to reassess the stagnation in their lives. What great force could it be that drives these fallen men back to their place of their greatest triumphs? And will they be the same if they decide to heed the call? The Üm Louts is a surreal look at the trials and tribulations of a football team that has lost its way, and will appeal to anybody who has ever submitted themselves and their team-mates to the emotional rollercoaster that is five-a-side football.